Monday, October 23, 2006

I'M PACKING MY BAGS...

To go on another guilt trip. I just called into work to tell them I won't be in today. My daughter was up all night being sick to her stomach. I was going to go on in because I would leave at 10 and my husband would come home at noon until I returned at 2. But she was apprehensive about being alone even for two hours. And I don't blame her. She said if it was just a big nasty cold, she wouldn't mind, but with throwing up....again I don't blame her. I, personally, turn into a GREAT BIG BABY when I am throwing up. Which may be happening soon because I am feeling queasy. But I am trying to tell myself that I am paranoid, or overtired.
Anyway, I am still fairly new at this job thing, so calling in to take the day off makes me nervous. I feel terribly guilty. Even though I just answer the phones, they get real jumpy when I'm not there because the ringing phone bothers them, although there are days it doesn't even ring that much. Acutally they went about 10 years without a receptionist before they hired me part time, so I would think it'd be no big deal. I just keep telling myself, I must put my family first, and they knew they were hiring a mother when they hired me so this just can't be helped.
Anyway, it is days like this that I really regret taking the job. The job has been good for me in many ways. It is an ideal situation for my family and it was practically handed to me on a silver platter, so I shouldn't even question whether it's right for me. But, to be honest, I don't HAVE to work. When our kids were little, and we lived pay check to pay check, I was determined to stay home and raise them, and we have no regrets. But THAT was when the extra little pay check would have come in handy. I guess I kind of look at this as making up for what I didn't do then. But I'm not working to put food on the table. I know we are blessed by the fact that I don't have to work to keep my kids in shoes. Although I have said that my paycheck is quite handy these days because high school is QUITE expensive, but that's another blog.
So I am doing a lot of second guessing these days. Of course having my kids sick makes me wonder if I've done the right thing by returning to work.
And also my father is seriously ill and I would love to be over there more. In two weeks, we will know if he can have surgery or if they will continue with chemo and add radiation. Either way, his need for help is going to increase dramatically, and it has become clear that I am probably the one that will be most able (and willing?) to go over there for long periods of time. Will I know if I'm supposed to quit my job? Will I feel comfortable just asking for an extended leave? I know for certain I will feel guilty taking time off because I won't be giving 100 percent to my job, but again, my family must come first. I pray daily about this. I pray that I will see what is the right thing for me to do. Any suggestions?

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