BAD MOMS....

In January of '06, we went through a terrible parenting ordeal.

We watched our son make a dangerous mistake and then saw the consequences come tumbling down around us. I don't know if we handled it all correctly but, looking back, I do think we were able to temper our discipline with just the right amount of mercy.

There is something, however, from that incident that I cannot seem to crawl out from under. That is the response I got from someone when I finally decided to share with them what our family had gone through.

As I was telling the story, tears welling up in my eyes, voice quivering, this is what I kept hearing: "you should have done...." "you shouldn't have...." "next time do...."

That's right. In my most vulnerable state as a mother, in my desperate need for validation and encouragement, I got nothing but harsh criticism on the way I handled things.

And so, I basically share nothing with people now on my struggles as a parent.

Because we as parents are judgemental and critical of each other. And ladies? Moms? I think we're worse than the men.

Oh, I've done it too. I've uttered many a criticism about my fellow mothers:

"Did you see the way her child acted at the table? Let's teach some manners..."

"I CANNOT believe she lets her child do that...."

"I CANNOT believe she won't let her child do that...."

"Her kids wouldn't do that if she'd only..."

And the best of all:

"I don't think my child would ever...."

Let me just say, parents, NEVER SAY NEVER. You could be going along just fine, putting everything you've got into being a great parent and raising great kids, and WHAM! You could be blind sided by something that will turn your world upside down. If you're lucky, it will be relatively minor and short lived. If not, you are going to long for a soft place to fall in your search for answers. You are going to long for other parents who will continue to love you AND your child. Other parents who will simply listen and not judge or criticize.

I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but I've done it - this criticism thing. But I am trying really hard to stop. My experience a year and a half ago has helped me learn to stop and think before I open my mouth about something that is none of my business, unless of course, I can ENCOURAGE and not CRITICIZE. You know? Build up and not tear down. I am praying to become "that parent" to whom others could turn when they are in that dark corner of parenthood.

As I raise my teenagers and see that as children get bigger, so do their mistakes; I'm trying to soften my heart to my fellow mothers. Now I honestly try to see things from a mother's perspective. I've started many sentences lately with "As a mother, I can certainly see how bad the parents must feel about...."

This is on my mind lately because, in the last several weeks, I've come across a lot of blogs, articles, TV spots, and conversations about parenting. And people are so judgmental, to the point of being angry and venomous about their views; spewing words like "ignorant" and "lazy" and even "abusive" when some one's view is different than theirs. And I'm not talking about REAL situations of abuse; I'm talking about views that are different and, to make their point seem more valid they throw the word "abuse" around.

Based on some of these opinions I've decided that I'm a bad mom because:

- I had c-sections. In fact I had two. And I don't hate the doctors that performed them. I was deeply disappointed to have c-sections and the competition we women create among ourselves to have the best, un-medicated, most "natural" birth experiences ever recorded, did not help that sense of disappointment. But. I have two beautiful, healthy children. So there.

- I did not breast feed exclusively. THAAAAT'S RIIIIIIGHT! I supplemented with formula. That means my babies had a bottle every now and then. AND! There was no nipple confusion. AND! The child I breast fed longer had more ear infections than her brother. AND! Even though I breast fed for less than a year, there are NO food allergies in my kids. ZERO. NADA. ZILCH. I totally agree that breast feeding is best. And I totally agree that it is great to do it for the first year. But, ladies, the guilt we heap on each other is UNNECESSARY!

- I spanked my children. Yep. When they were pre-schoolers, we spanked them in certain situations. We truly feel that spanking, IN SOME SITUATIONS, is what got the point across. Preschoolers CANNOT always be reasoned with, cannot understand consquences when given a long verbal explanation. If a spanking saved my child from being injured or doing the same dangerous, or rebellious thing over and over, so be it. AND! I've asked my children if they resent it and feel betrayed when they remember the spankings. Their answers "Uh, No!" So, in the words of the Great Lt. Colonel Henry Blake "You can hang my butt from a flag pole if you want..." but we spanked. We did not abuse. We were both spanked as children, and we don't remember it, nor do we feel betrayed and angry by it. I feel betrayed and angry by the other selfish things my parents did while raising me, but spanking? NO. If you still feel betrayed and angry over spankings you received as a child, perhaps there are deeper issues to explore. If you don't want to spank, then don't. Just find a way to discipline your children, and don't tell the rest of us that we abuse ours.

- I let my kids watch TV. I used to joke that my kids learned their numbers from the remote control, but it wasn't that bad. My kids grew up with Gulllah Gullah Island, Thomas the Tank Engine, Mr. Rogers, and the old black and white Lassie episodes. And of course Sesame Street. I even let them watch Rugrats. We also spent a great deal of time at the library, the children's museum, and of course at home playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O, Barnyard Bingo, Candyland. And doing puzzles. Lots of puzzles.

- I let my kids eat sugar. In fact, I never monitored their sugar intake; preferring instead to emphasize the healthy choices, while still having sweets available. I've written before on this. Their favorite snacks are yogurt, popcorn, carrots, rice cakes, mandarin oranges, apples. Not a lot of sugar going on in those choices. I know a mom who says sugar makes her little boy act like a monster, so she NEVER lets him have it. The thing is, the child is rude and out of control most of the time. Seriously. So maybe, in that situation, sugar is not the culprit.....but I know it effects some kids differently than others. I also know that other additives effect some children more severely. But in our house? Not a problem.

- I allow, even encourage my kids to be friends with kids of all different backgrounds and family situations. I monitor the friendships; and there are some in which I prefer (OK sometimes insist) they spend their time together at our house and not the other child's house. But if two children get along and love spending time together, I don't care if the other kid's parents work, or if they are divorced, or if they are Hindu, or Muslim, or Catholic, or Baptist. I don't care about the other child's race, or their parents' income. I simply care that my child has a friend with whom he enjoys spending time; and sometimes our house is a refuge, a safe haven, for that other child. And frankly, we might be doing something right, because our house is always full of kids. I only gave birth to two children (by the dreaded c-section) but there are usually 4,6,7...9 kids here.

- I do not make my kids go to church with us; although, they do most of the time. This is a hard one for me to talk about, because sometimes our Christian friends are just as judgmental (or more so) than the rest of the world. But there comes a point when it seems silly to me to drag a teenager to church and allow them to sit and sulk in the pew. I told my husband that we can certainly drag them to the table but we cannot force them to partake of the feast. I believe you cannot FORCE faith onto anybody. And being in a church is not building faith. We cannot "guilt" our kids into being the spiritual beings we want them to be.

- I send my kids to public school. Homeschooling is a great option, but we public school moms have also put much thought and prayer into our decision. Some, and I mean SOME, homeschool moms have been rude and condescending to me about my choice to send my kids to public school. Just because my choice is DIFFERENT doesn't mean it's bad, and it certainly doesn't mean I do not value the safety and moral upbringing of my children. For every criticism you can give me about my choice, I could give you one back about your choice. But I choose not to.

Let's see. I think that's if for now.

Let's take it easy on each other moms! We all can use a little encouragement in this most precious, yet difficult of jobs.

And for the record..."As a mother, I think you're all doing great!"