EXPERT

We were recently at an event where I was watching a man in the audience balance his little boy on his knee. The boy was probably about three or four, and I commented to Paul that those parents were still in the phase of parenting where they could say "My boy would NEVER...." fill in the blank with any number of options.

We have teenagers and, I know this will come as a surprise to most of you, but sometimes teenagers have to be disciplined.

No really, they do.

Sometimes teenagers don't make the best decisions. Did you know that?

And sometimes you actually have to do more than slap your forehead while slowly shaking your head back and forth in a great big gesture that says "I CANNOT believe this...."

Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, really dirty, when disciplining teenagers.

Except it's not your hands that end up feeling dirty and worn out. It's your heart, but that's another post.

As a parenting expert....no wait....as somebody who knows a lot about parenting....um, I mean....since I am full of parental knowledge.....

Since I've given birth to two children (that keeps your expectations low enough, doesn't it) I've decided to publish, right here on this blog, my parenting philosophy when it comes to disciplining teenagers. I will do so in a "Bullet Point" format. And I have no idea how many bullet points there will be because I will be making them up as I go along.

You know. Like James Dobson and John Rosamond probably do.

Let's get started, shall we?

When your teenager gets into trouble, you can:

*Deny. Deny. Deny. I call this kind of response the "Not MY boy" response. These are the parents who could actually see their little Mikey vandalize the neighbor's car and still say he didn't do it.

*Make excuses. These are the parents that admit their little Mikey did indeed vandalize their neighbor's car but claim it was the neighbor's fault for having their car parked in their very own driveway instead of behind a locked garage door. If the car hadn't been left out, little Mikey couldn't have vandalized it. These parents are usuall not too popular in the neighborhood because nothing is every their child's fault but they are ever so eager to throw other children under the bus.

*Explode like an atom bomb. This explosion will reach everyone - the victim, the authorities, the wayward child. This explosion will accomplish absolutely nothing except showing people what an idiot you are, but it will make the parent feel better - short term. After the explosion, the parent will most likely never be taken seriously again. Especially if he threatens to sue the neighbor for leaving his car parked in his very own driveway.

*Ignore, ignore, ignore...your child that is. This is the parent who gives the child the ultimate of silent treatments. This method is good if you want to reach the child at their level - you know, the child is a teenager, so the parent acts like a teenager. It probably doesn't accomplish much but you will at least be at your child's level while the problem remains unsolved.

*Bury your child in guilt. This is my personal favorite and I apply it quite often. Do you know how you've embarrassed us? What will people think of our family now? I give and give and give and what do you do....? A little guilt can be healthy I think. But too much guilt can be crippling. I don't know why I haven't learned that yet. Perhaps I'm doing an experiment to find our just HOW MUCH guilt is too much. Yeah, that's it - a parenting experiment with my own children as the emotionally damaged guinea pigs.

- and finally you can

*Put your hand on your child's back. This serves two purposes. First, and most importantly, it pushes your child forward. Forward toward the people to whom he must account. Forward toward his consequences. Forward toward learning from his mistake. And second, the hand on his back reminds him that you are there. That you literally have his back. It reminds him that even though he must be accountable for his actions, even though he must make that walk, he is not walking alone. If he needs to look over his shoulder for reassurance, you are there with your hand on his back to steady him against that crippling guilt, those people who hope to see him fall under its weight, and the fatigue that comes with cleaning up ones own mess.

Like the days when our babies took their first wobbly steps and needed to hold just one of our fingers to make it across the room, so are the days of raising teenagers. They can get across the room. They HAVE to get across the room. They have to be standing alone when they reach the other side.

But hopefully if they've felt our hand on their back througout their journey, they will feel ready to stand strong again and they will be glad that hand was not only steadying them but also pushing them along to meet their goal.