MARRIAGE 101

I just told Paul I was going to write a post on marriage and asked if he had any words of wisdom. His advice to men: Keep the toilet seat down.

Is it any wonder the spark of romance still shines brightly in our marriage?


Last Friday - May 23rd - we celebrated 21 years of marriage. Well, we didn't CELEBRATE exactly. We marked the occasion by taking our kids out to lunch and enjoying a day off for Paul. We had agreed to buy no gifts, but I found out Paul bought me something, so the night before, as I was running Kayla to the hair salon to get her hair done for graduation, I said "Oh, and I'm going to buy your anniversary gift, since you broke our agreement and bought me one."

See? Romance.

Some friends seemed surprised we had no special plans for our anniversary. We usually go out for a nice dinner; and often take a weekend away. Paul always takes the day off. Only a couple times in 21 years, have we done basically nothing to celebrate. This is one of those years where we did basically nothing to celebrate.

And guess what.

That's OK with me.

I love that our marriage is such that we do not need roses and wine; fireworks and sizzle, every time May 23rd rolls around on the calendar. Because, really, we try to celebrate our marriage every day. And I'm just gonna say it - we have a great marriage.

We REALLY have a great marriage.

I don't mean to brag, but it's true.

We have a great marriage, because we work at it.

Our marriage hasn't been great EVERY MOMENT for the last 21 years; in fact, we had a couple of pretty rough years early on. But somehow, we've managed to make a success story out of two people who probably got married too young, while still in college.

So here are my tips for a great marriage - because since it's my blog I can call myself an expert.

- Keep your faith at the center of your marriage.

- Second only to your faith - LAUGHTER - make humor a big part of your home. Be able to laugh at yourself. Laughing with Paul is one of the greatest pleasures in my life. Laughter will get you through many things - even the most difficult.

- Have a financial plan that works for both of you. Don't let one person control the money. If the wife doesn't work, try to allow her some money that is hers to spend without having to check in with the husband.

- Husbands, if your wife is home raising YOUR children, NEVER NEVER NEVER make comments about her going back to work, if she's not ready and if your budget doesn't need it. NEVER minimize her work as a stay at home mom. NEVER NEVER NEVER ask her what she does all day when she spends the day at home with YOUR small children. If you have to ask that question, take a week off and do her job for her. You will fall at her feet in adoration after that.

-Wives, NEVER NEVER NEVER belittle your husband's job choice. If he is working hard and doing his best to provide for your family, let him know you appreciate it. Much of a man's identity comes from his job and his role as provider; to belittle what he does is like cutting him off at the knees. If he likes his job, is good at it, and well respected by his peers, don't push him to change jobs to make more money. Be proud of his work ethic. I once heard a woman say with great disdain,"My husband's a CARPENTER," and made her embarrassment quite clear. I quickly told her "Jesus was a carpenter."
You most likely knew his career choice when you married him. If it's a different style of living you hope for, change your standards, you'll be much happier. And yes, I have personal knowledge of this; I'll post on it later. Thank your husband for how hard he works to provide for your family. Being a provider is much more than making money, so thank him for the efforts he makes.

-Husbands, take an active role in child rearing. I have realized that Paul spoiled me in this. He set the bar very high when it comes to judging young fathers. Paul was VERY hands on with our babies. Even though I breast fed them; he got up at each feeding, brought the baby to me, sat and talked to me and touched the baby, then changed the diaper and put the baby back to bed. Then he got up for work the next morning. I never had to leave instructions for Paul when I left our babies with him, even the first time. I realize now that he was rare. He is still VERY hands on with our teenagers and actually LOOKS FOR ways to spend time with them, rather than being goaded into it. Husbands, just so you know, a wife finds it very romantic and even sexy to see her husband being an involved, loving father. Wink. Wink.

-Wives, appreciate and acknowledge his efforts with your children. So what if lunch isn't what you'd make, or the outfit doesn't match? So what if the little ones get dirty when Daddy watches them? Here's a secret. They probably have more fun with daddy because there are fewer rules with him. If the child is kept safe and happy - let them do it. Many dads don't chip in because mom's standards are too high and he can't please her. Moms, lighten up and don't rob your child of memories with daddy because he does things differently.

-Wives, learn about your husband's job. Even if the details cause you to fall off your chair in boredom. I've had lots of people ask me "Oh, and what does your husband do?" And I feel good knowing I can give them at least a good enough explanation to make THEM fall off their chair in boredom. Again, his job is a big part of his identity. Be interested in it.

-Husbands, ditto with your wife's job.

-If your child is disrespectful to your spouse, jump in and let them know you won't tolerate it. Let those kids know you are a united team, and you won't let them disrespect your partner. Our kids are very rarely rude to me and I credit Paul's example in that. Also, the one time when Blake was about 10 and he got in my face and raised his voice, Paul's punishment was SWIFT AND HARSH. Swift and harsh enough that Blake, I'm sure, never forgot it. Talk about Shock and Awe. I hope that I've set the same example in the way I treat Paul; and letting the kids know that I won't tolerate them being rude to their dad - my partner for life.

-Along with the above, be a united front in discipline. If your child asks for something, make it a habit to ask them "have you asked your dad/mom and what did they say?" One time when Blake was about 3 he asked to do something and I said "Did you ask Daddy? What did he say?" And he very sadly said "Daddy said 'no way, Hosea.'" And he was busted. As they get older, it's ok to tell them "we have to discuss this, and then we'll let you know." If Paul is out of town, I will tell the kids they have to wait until I speak to their dad on the phone, if it's an issue I'm not sure about. This is a good way to let them see you are a team.

-Go away for weekends. When our kids were little, we went on weekend get aways every 3 months. They were never fancy get aways, but we left them with grandparents or friends and left town. Children need to see you make time for your marriage. They need to see you make your partnership a priority. Now that our kids are older, we don't feel the need to get away as much, because the daily grind of child rearing is not nearly so exhausting; but when they were little, we were very diligent with this; and I think it was good for the kids too.

-Go on dates. Simple dates are great. We at least go out for a cup of coffee, without kids, once a week. When they were little, if we didn't want to hire a sitter, we had "at home dates" where we'd put the kids to bed, order take out and sit on the living room floor, without television and have a quiet dinner. Now, of course, we have teenagers and we have to beg them to go with us, so date night is not a problem. But if you have little ones, try really hard to go on dates. Swap baby sitting if you can't afford to hire one. Even getting groceries without small children can be fun. I really believe young couples don't go on dates enough, and it's so important for a marriage.

-Fight fair. Every couple argues. If a couple doesn't argue, somebody is being treated like a doormat. But think through your words before you say them. This is more of a problem for me than for Paul. Paul would never argue if I didn't make him. I have learned to think about things, sometimes over night, before I speak my mind. And Paul has learned not to run away from an argument; because it really is NOT a good idea to leave the room while your spouse is trying to discuss something. So if you choose your words wisely and your spouse will remain in one place and listen to them, things should turn out great.

-Um...yeah...you know what...the bedroom...I can't talk about that because my daughter reads this...so...um...never mind.

-Don't hold your mother-in-law's actions against your spouse.

-Respect your in-laws even if you don't always like them. They are your spouse's parents, and as such deserve your respect. Further, they are your kids' grandparents.

-See your kids through their grandparents' eyes. Watch them like Grandma does and you will see a whole new child. Encourage them to spend time with ALL of their grandparents. Some will do things differently than you and you may not agree with it all but grandparents crave time with your children; so please let them have it. The memories they form will be precious for your child and for the grandparents. When our kids were little, I always thought of my mom first to watch them. When I realized that Paul's parents were just as eager, it was a gift to all of us to allow them to keep the kids. Each set of grandparents did different kinds of fun things with the kids, so they were excited to see all of them. I'm so glad I saw the error of my ways before it was too late.

-Husbands, tell your wife she is pretty. OK what I'm about to tell you is absolutely true.
My husband tells me how beautiful I am EVERY DAY. Sometimes I tell him his eyesight is failing; or he must have just finished a 20 year prison term if THIS looks good to him. But he tells me I'm beautiful. And I really think he means it, despite the weight I've gained, and the wrinkles, and the mood swings.

-And if not for my daughter reading this, I'd tell you how the above benefits my husband...but...you know....

I think that's it for now. But I might think of more. I'm sure I'll think of more. I would recommend two books that are very old and old fashioned - "Letters to Phillip" and "Letters to Karen." These books were written by a father to his son and daughter before their respective marriages. They are simple advice letters on how to be a good husband and a good wife. Again, they were written in the 70's I think but some of the advice still holds true.

Let me know some of your tips on how to keep a marriage happy. And I also realize that now that I've made this list for my ones of readers, someting in our household will blow up in our faces and I'll feel like a complete failure as a wife and mother. But, per number 2 - I'm sure I'll laugh about it.


Sometimes right in the middle of an ordinary life, love brings us a fairy tale...

I am so blessed to be living my fairy tale.