'ROID RAGE

I have pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lining of the lungs - the pleura, I believe. I think it also means I'm getting old.

And pleurisy really hurts.

Come. Come with me on my journey of pleurisy.

So then, in the middle of last week, I started feeling a tightness in my chest, then pressure, then pain - over a period of a few days. I get congested at this time every year so I decided not to worry too much.

And I told myself if I had not awakened dead by Monday I would call my doctor.

Take me to Vegas, baby! I played those odds and won.

I got into the doctor on Tuesday and he diagnosed me with Pleurisy.

Which was really good because it would have been a real bummer if I was having a five day heart attack.

But after he diagnosed me, he sat and stared at me with a puzzled expression - an expression that said "I really don't know what to do with you."

Not unlike the expression my husband and children give me several times a day.

But I wasn't offended because he's a medical person and it seemed far less insulting.

See, the problem is that the two treatments for the pain of pleurisy are:

1) Non steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs

2)steroids

Which, now that I've typed that seems very much like a contradiction.

But what do I know?

My problem with these two options, is that my body can't tolerate either one.

If I take the anti-inflammatory drugs, they will aggravate my ulcer.

If I take the steroids, they might accelerate my heart rate because I have a teeny tiny little heart condition.

My goal is to be a case study in a medical journal before I'm fifty. That is the only way I will ever be a cover girl.

To help the doctor out, I weighed in. And, believe me, after 19 years as his patient, he totally loves it when I weigh in on things. Or better yet, when I tell him I've saved him some time by diagnosing myself using Webmd before my appointments. He loves that.

So I said "Well, since I won't be on the anti-inflammatory drugs for more than a week, let's go with those. I can handle it if it irritates my stomach." I am woman. Hear me roar.

Boy was I wrong.

Two hours after one dose of the sample he gave me, my stomach set itself on fire.

But because I'm a slow learner, I took the second dose the next morning.

And by eight thirty I had called my doctor to ask for the steroids. This made my husband happy too because the first drug was going to cost over one hundred dollars. Ther steroids cost us $1.86. No, really they did.

With a steroid pack, you have to take six doses - SIX DOSES - on the first day and you decrease your doses every day for a week.

So after each dose yesterday, I sat in a chair and concentrated really hard on my heartbeat.



Is it beating fast now?

How 'bout now?

Now? Is my heart beating too fast?



Which, I realize, was a total waste of time. I mean if I'm going to be on steroids I should be in my garage swinging a seventy-pound sledge hammer for fun or something. Which is not to say that my friend's husband is on the 'roids. No, not at all. He's just freakishly fit and has this unbeatable spirit.

I, on the other hand, wear myself out using my little kitchen hammer to put a nail in the wall.

But NO MORE I SAY!

Now that I got me some 'roids.

Tonight at the football game I think I'll lift the team bus off the ground just for fun.