MARILYN MONROE'S GOT NOTHING ON ME

To my friend I just saw at Wal-Mart.

You know who you are. We spoke about our daughters who are classmates. You told me I looked really nice in my skirt and top. Your two-year-old cracked me up with his conversation. You said you felt a little sloppy compared to me in my skirt and top.

First, I've never seen you look sloppy. I kind of think you are one of those women who can wear a gunny sack and still look ready for a magazine shoot. I have decided to like you anyway.

Second, I seriously want to snatch your little boy away from you. He just makes me smile all the time. "...I can't find a Cardinals cap." Too cute.

Third, your choice of shorts and top today was the right choice.

I will admit to feeling pretty good about my outfit today. My lavender, black, and beige print skirt is fun. Its flowy fabric and flare at the hem make it kind of swish when I walk; and sometimes it's fun to swish when you walk. And it's comfortable.

The trouble is, when I was getting dressed this morning, I wasn't anticipating a storm moving in. So when I walked out of Wal-Mart, soon after we visited, and was hit with a gust of wind that nearly sent the hem of my skirt up to my chin, I wasn't feeling so cute and fun in my outfit anymore.

I tend to park pretty far from the entrance so that I have to walk more to reach the store. You know? It's good to get in as much movement as I can through the day. I certainly was cursing that habit as I struggled to reach my van in the high winds that had moved in.

Seriously. I was certain I was going to be flashing all the other patrons of Wal-Mart if I didn't come up with a way to keep my skirt down. My only consolation was that my underwear happens to be lavender today, so if said flashing had occurred, at least people would be impressed that my foundation garments matched my outfit. And, NO, I was not wearing a slip.

Anyway, I grabbed my skirt in my left hand as low as I could and kind of scrunched it all to my left side, around my knees, gathering as much of the fabric as I could to keep it from flying north, and proceeded to walk to the van, leaning to the left, while pushing the cart with my right hand.

I know. Dignified.

I soon realized if I held things too tightly, my knees were kind of bound together and I had to shuffle along like Morticia Adams. If I held things too loosely, I was at risk of having the skirt fly up on the right side, which would have resulted in only half a flash, which certainly would have been better than a whole flash, but still...

It was crucial to obtain a delicate balance.

I thought about trying to hold my skirt on both sides, which would require me to hunch forward a little bit and push my cart with my shoulders or my chin.

But that would have looked silly. Because, surely, I wasn't looking silly yet.

So I just shuffled along, leaning to the left, grabbing my skirt, cursing my habit of parking far away, and praying that if God chose to lift my skirt up over my face, He would also choose to strike me dead with a bolt of lightning.

It was the longest walk of my life.

Oh, and that conversation we had about finding the perfect pair of shorts? I am going out immediately to look for some.

And now, if you haven't already, scroll down and read my previous post from today. It is just as poignant and thought provoking as this. And I like to follow through with my promise to lower the standards of my ones of readers every chance I get.