FORTY IS NOT BAD....NOT BAD AT ALL

Yesterday I turned 40.
I waited all day for the depression to hit. I had been warned by a couple people that I would feel it. "You just wait. When you're 40, you'll be depressed and have a hard time too."
And...not so much.
I love being 40. Actually I think it's silly to be depressed about a birthday. Why get depressed that God has given me one more year?
So my sweet husband got me a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. And no flowers or writing because I do not like white icing at all, and I think the decorations ruin the taste. And we went out to eat with friends for dinner after a massive snow storm. Both the kids were very sweet too.
Kayla got me a set of jewlery - necklace, earrings, and bracelet. It has everything - gold, silver and "diamonds" I love sparkles.
Blake got me a big book of the comic strip "Zits." Have you seen it in your paper? It absolutely cracks me up. It's simply about life with a teenage boy and it is SO VERY ACCURATE. For instance, the one I turned to last night, showed his parents asking him basic questions about his day, but with each question they asked, he was imagining himself in a different medieval torture device. It is SOOOO Blake.
And Paul got me a little CD player to hang under my cabinets in my craft room. But here's the thing...a little TV screen pops down. So now I can watch Andy Griffith and Super Nanny while I'm crafting.
And my coworkers had decorated my desk with black streamers yesterday morning, and brought in donuts and gave me a really cute card.

Also, on the way home from work yesterday, driving through five inches of snow, I came across a young kid who had run off the road and damaged all of his tires. It was right outside the mall, so we were in a very high traffic area. He started walking and I could not help but think that in a year, that could be Blake. Two other ladies had stopped, and rolled down their windows and said something to him but drove on. I offered to make a call for him and I could tell he was close to crying. So I offered him a ride home. Turns out he goes to Blake's school, knows Blake and is just a year older than Blake. His home was about 2 miles away and he was planning to walk. It was 14 degrees at the time and, being a teenage boy, he had no hat or gloves, and his coat was hanging open. So all the way to his house he kept telling me how he sure hated to call his dad and tell him, that his dad was going to be furious and kill him. I asked about his mom and she happens to work out of state through the week (at Paul's company, actually). I tried to tell him that his dad will be thrilled he was ok, and that in this weather even adults have accidents, and he said that he wasn't supposed to be out driving (the kids had been released from school early and evidently he had decided he could make it to the mall.) So there is that disobedience issue, I guess. But I prayed all the way home, that his dad would handle this well and not let anger make him blind to what was important. And, of course I worried all evening and have even thought about calling this evening just to make sure he is still ok.
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Kayla stayed home sick today. Paul stayed home for the morning because we had the repairman come for the refrigerator(to be discussed later). He went to work at 12:30 and I got home at 2:30 so Kayla only had to stay home for 2 hours without us. And being nearly 13, she was fine with that, since she wasn't vomiting and just has a cold and slight fever.
I, however, hate it. I left Blake home sick one day last week, although he called Paul at 11 and had him take him to school. And I hated that too.
Even though they are nearly 13 and 15 1/2, I do not like leaving them home sick. Especially for me to work part time when we are not desperate for the money. The kids are fine with it, but I just know there are little things I would be doing if I were home. I would be offering popsicles. I would freshen their cold drinks. I would ask them what movies they wanted to watch. I would just peek into their rooms and watch them sleep for a moment. And I would just know. Know that I was the one there in case they needed something.
I know we are blessed. I know we are blessed that I have this ideal job and that Paul has a job where he can usually stay home, leave early, go in late. And I especially know we are blessed that I don't HAVE to work. But I have been praying for an answer to this question: Am I really meant to be working, even just part time? Am I only working because society says that, with my children nearly grown, I should be?
The uncertainty at work does not help the constant feeling of being unsettled. With the changes that happened in the fall, brokers and other staff started asking me if I was going to be let go. To which I respond, "uh...I sure don't know."
So today when I left Kayla I thought "ok. This is it. I am not going back to work next August." Isn't it ok to be a stay at home mom even when your kids are older? Isn't it ok to ENJOY the role of homemaker in 2007? But I have already found myself questioning again. What does God intend for me to do? Does my resolve lately to stay home again mean He has answered my question? Or does it mean I am not waiting for His answer? How will I know his answer?

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Me. And for those of you who have 40 to look forward to...
It's not bad. Not bad at all.