ANY DAY NOW, I AM GOING TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

No, really I am. Seriously. I am not kidding.

My trip to Sam's today reminded me of this upcoming windfall.

But before I tell you the story, I'd like to make a few of things very clear.

First, when I become a millionaire, I will NOT change. Really, I won't. I will stay in this house. I will still get my hair done at JC Penney. I will still get most of my clothes at Kohl's or Target. I will still buy Sam's Choice water. I will still decorate my house through Hobby Lobby and TJ Maxx. I will still be the same simple down home girl, who can't keep her house clean and loves Hershey's chocolate.

Second, I absolutely do NOT want a bunch of long lost relatives and sudden friends crawling out of the woodwork eager to get close to me so that I will buy you things. If you didn't like me as a middle class housewife, I don't want to see you kissing up to me when I am a millionaire.

Third, I will be honest. I intend to splurge on a couple of things. I will hire a personal trainer to come to my home to get me lean, because I hate the idea of working out in front of other people. But if any of you want to join me in those private workouts, it's on me. And I will hire a gardener. I love a beautful yard, but I hate to sweat so a gardener is a luxury in which I plan to indulge.

Now on with the story.
As I was entering the store I saw a man who looked like my uncle Frankie. It wasn't my uncle Frankie, but thinking of him made me think of the fortune that is sure to come my way any day now. We have chosen to call this fortune "The Meadows Million." Meadows is my maiden name, and since this money is coming from my dad's side of the family, we decided it is an appropriate title.

Several years ago, my grandma and grandpa started hearing from a "lawyer" in Texas about a Millionaire named Meadows who had died without heirs. This lawyer, out of the goodness of his heart, was tracking down the heirs and was doing everything he could to make sure they got what was rightfully theirs - evidently SEVERAL million dollars. So my grandparents responded to his request for money to help with the legal fees that he would incur while fighting for this money. I think they sent about $20 every couple of months. But so did many, many other family members.

Fast forward a few years to the day my grandpa died - about 7 years ago. Soon after the funeral, my grandpa's brother, Uncle Frank called me at home. The conversation went something like this:

F: Hello, this is Uncle Frankie, your grandfather's brother.
Me: Hi, Uncle Frankie.
Paul (whispering in the background with great gleee): IT'S ABOUT THE MEADOWS MILLION, ISN'T IT? I gave him a thumbs up.

F: I just wanted to fill you in on the status of the money that we, including your grandpa, have been working to free up. I wanted to let you know that since your grandpa has died, you are now a Third Tier heir, meaning you can now inherit DIRECTLY when the money is awarded to the family. While your grandpa was alive, you would have been a fourth tier heir and you would have had to take a portion of your dad's inheritance, or waited until he died to inherit.

Me: Well, I appreciate your calling and I mean no disrespect, but I am just not sure the money is really there.

F: Oh, it's there. It's there. We're getting closer every day to getting it released. It's definitely there.

A couple of months later, there was a big meeting in our hometown to update the "heirs" on the progress of the legal battle. My sister and her husband went while we babysat their boys. They came home from the meeting and THAT conversation went something like this.

Me: So, what did you find out?

Sister: Well, we think the money is definitely there and will eventually be rewarded but we are not at all comfortable taking any because it sounds very much like it was all earned through mafia ties.

Me: Wait, what?

I do not remember the rest of the conversation because I could kind of feel my brain bend. Mafia ties? So Paul and I discussed the dilemma for awhile. You know, would we be comfortable accepting millions of dollars that was gained through all sorts of dubious methods connected to the mafia? And what mafia operates out of Texas anyway? Actually I think we discussed it for about 2 minutes before we basically said "Heck yeah, we'll take that dirty money. We'll find a way to baptize it right quick..."