GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SPANKING DEBATE...

I am just starting to read a book I bought years ago - Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. Perhaps it is too late for me, but I found it as I was cleaning out my closet and decided to at least browse through it.
Upon flipping the pages, I found The Three R's of Logical Consequences. These state that consequences should be:

1. Related to the behavior.
2. Respectful to both child and adult.
3. Reasonable to both child and adult.

This is the sentence that got me thinking: "And, although many adults think spanking is reasonable, you won't find many children who agree."

I can see that. But that is not saying much, seeing as how preschoolers (who, I think receive the majority of spankings) think MANY things are "unreasonable".

For instance, I've seen little ones (mine included) have complete breakdowns over where the ketchup was placed on their plate. Or over the fact that you peeled their apple, when they asked for it to be peeled, but decided that they'd like the peel left intact after all when it was too late. Or over the fact that they simply cannot wear their batman pajamas to the mall AGAIN because they simply must be washed before they decide to wear them to McDonald's. Or over the fact that Mommy insists that Barbie can be naked at home but she must wear clothes to church.

Whether or not you agree with spanking, I do not think we should use a child's idea of "Reasonable" as our guide.

I confess. I spanked my children. There I said it. We did not spank every time we needed to discipline, but we did swat our kids' bottoms every now and then. We did, however, try to use Dr. Dobson's criteria for spanking. I hope I remember these correctly, but I think he said spanking was appropriate:

1. In matters of safety, where you must get a point across quickly, such as a child running into the street or reaching for the burner on the stove.
2. In matters of blatant defiance; when you know the child understood your directions, but chose to disobey anyway.
3. When a child purposely hurts another child. This is when the child has reached the age to know better.
Dobson also says that spanking is unnecessary beyond the age of 8 and that then it only serves to embarrass, because most children that age are capable of understanding other forms of discipline.

I would never encourage somebody to spank their children if it is not what they believe. I would, however, encourage parents to discipline their children SOMEHOW. Somebody told me something about child rearing when I was expecting our first child. She said "We always tried to raise our children in such a way that other people would enjoy them as much as we do."
It was good to keep that in mind - good to be reminded that these children have to go out into the world and interact with others.

Anyway, in the past couple of years, when I come across a spanking debate I will ask my children what they think of spanking. More importantly I will ask them "Do you feel betrayed, or abused, or humiliated, knowing that you were spanked? When you remember being spanked do you feel angry at us?"

And they both scowl at me, as though I've grown a second head, and say "Tuh, NOOOOOOO!"

And I breathe a sigh of relief.