Friday, April 03, 2009

MY CHOICE

We are one step closer to watching our son become a member of the Armed Services - not the Marines.

The Marine recruiter did not show up. When Blake called him, an hour before our appointment to give him directions to our house, he said he couldn't make it.

Nice.

Now Blake is talking to an Army recruiter. Blake is ready to make a commitment.

Now before any of you tell me that you think he should go to college first, or he should choose another branch, or that he shouldn't even consider the military at all, let me just say, I don't want to hear it. We've had very few responses to Blake's plan that did NOT include some disparagement about his choice, and frankly, I'm tired of it.

I won't get on my soapbox about these comments (yet) other than to say I know people don't mean to be rude, but they are still a little hurtful.

I've decided that, with regards to Blake's plan to join the military, I can react in one of two ways.

First, I can send Blake off into the world with a sense that he's let me down. I can react negatively to his plans to the point of making his heart heavy with a feeling that he didn't live up to my expectations. I can send my son off into the world to pursue his dreams, knowing that his mother doesn't approve, causing him to live under that heavy cloud all of his life.

Or, I can be certain that Blake is a mature young man who knows his own heart and is excited about his future. I can let him know that I will put my fears aside and support him and encourage him in his choice. I can send him off into his first steps toward adulthood without the slightest taint on our relationship. I can send him off with the knowledge that his mother is proud of him, that he has not let me down, that he has exceeded my wildest dreams as to the person he has become. When I say goodbye to my son as he leaves to start his life outside of the protection of our home, I want to know that there is no shadow of doubt following him. I want him to know that we, his parents, are behind him all the way.

I choose the latter.

I will not risk my relationship with my son because I can't come to terms with his career choice.

And so I have come to terms with his career choice. And I am proud of him.

I do not look forward to the next phase in my parenting journey. I don't look forward to that day, fourteen months from now, when we will see him off to the unknown. But I wouldn't be looking forward to it if he was going off to college, either.

And yet, as I read a devotional book recently, I came across these thoughts on parenting:

This notion that our children are ours - where did we get that idea? The truth is, my children have never been mine. Not ever. No, the truth is, they are children of God Almighty and they've belonged to Him all along. He gave them to [us] to nurture for a while, but their ambitions, hopes and dreams are theirs, and only theirs to know. And as we do our best to ready them for a difficult world, we pray for them and give them our love, and finally we give them the most important gift of all - our blessing to go it on their own.
Rick Rusaw

Enough said.

7 comments:

Beaner said...

I will always support & love my children, whatever their decision in life, but I will always let them know if I agree with that decision or not. Being honest with them up front will let them decide how they want to respond to my feelings. Better than faking approval for "their sake". ( Not that you're doing that - I'm just saying - for me.)

BTW - How lame for the Marine Recruiter to NOT show up! Their loss!!!!

HW said...

Beaner,
I understand. I made it clear to Blake from the very beginning that I was not thrilled with his choice of a military career, not because it was a disappointment to me but because I am his mother and I will always fear for his safety. However, it was getting to the point that my negativity was truly placing a cloud over his plans. I was ruining it for him. I don't think I'm faking approval(and I know you're not accusing me of that) I think I've truly come to a place where I can see this as the path he is meant to take. True acceptance is truly much more peaceful than false enthusiasm.

Beaner said...

So....do you get to that last part by "letting go"? I think I might have more trouble with this (letting them grow up) than I thought I would!!!

HW said...

I think you get to that poing by watching and listening through the years. You get to that point by knowing your child like no other person on earth can know him. You listen to him and watch him and one day something clicks and you're able to say "He's right. He can do this."

And yes, letting go, which is a huge struggle for me - letting go of my kids and knowing they walk with Someone who loves them even more than I do. Sometimes I worry that means my faith isn't strong enough. But letting go is the original plan anyway - from the moment they are placed in our arms.

Bottom line, once they turn 18 and are out of our home, we cannot set their path for them anyway. So, I want them to set out on that path with as much peace in their hearts as possible.

Roxanne said...

I applaud your decision, Heidi. You are being a parent. You are, for the millionth time since having your son, putting your wants and needs aside to satisfy his wants and needs.

The day my mother dropped me off at college, she had to leave within two hours of taking me there. She was a school teacher and had to go to inservice for her job the next day. Daddy did not come with her as he was working. She had to drive home alone after dumping me and my stuff in a dorm four hours away. She did not whine or complain or sob. She hugged me and told me she loved me with a catch in her voice and then smiled as she waved goodbye.

She knew that I was thrilled and excited to be at school--that I was heading on an adventure--that she and Daddy had done all they could to give me the tools I needed to face the next four years and beyond.

When I sat holding my newborn daughter--my first child--and my mother was next to me, I FINALLY "got it." I said, "Momma, how in the WORLD did you drive off and leave me at Harding? How could you stand it?" She told me then--11 years after it was done-- that other than leaving my sister at college, it was one of the hardest things she'd ever done in her life and that she cried all the way home."

Just because our hearts will break and we will worry and pray and there will be a knot in the pit of our stomachs does not mean that our children will not grow up and leave. Whining and fighting and arguing will not change that--especially when the "leaving" is to further their education or marry or take a job or serve our country. Those are wonderful decisions that are exciting and thrilling and life altering.

And the devotion thought was right on the mark. These children are wonderful gifts--and we train them to take the talents with which they've been blessed and go out to bless the world with them. They can't do that well if they know we "don't approve." Of course this is all easy for me to say as my children are 10 1/2 and 7 1/2. They are "mine" for a while longer. But your example is shining one--and one that I will remember.

Prayers for you and your son. I can imagine that any Marine recruiter worth his Semper Fi bumper sticker would love to have your son--and would give the other recruiter a stern dressing down.

Technonana said...

Letting go of our precious children is one of the hardest things a mother has to do.
Putting them finally back into THE FATHER'S HANDS, and really relying on Him to take care of them!!
Praying for this precious child of yours and you, sweet mother!

tims_mom said...

A military Mom is another hard job, in the classification of MOM.

Military personnel are the unsung heroes of our world. They are proud of our country, and want to make a difference. May God always watch over them and their families.

Nancy