DIVORCE FOR DUMMIES

Because of the recent death of my dad, and the accompanying emotions and conflict that came from my parents' divorce over thirty years ago; I've had divorce on my mind a lot. I've wished there was a handbook out there - and there probably is - about how to do it right. That is, how to do it right from the children's perspective.

So I'm going to give it to you - the handbook. And it will be cheaper than Amazon.com.

Divorce is usually an ugly thing. I know there are some of you, amongst my ones of readers, that have been divorced or are now going through a divorce. For some, it is through no choice of your own but your spouse has given up and decided to knock you down and keep kicking. And kicking and kicking and kicking. Frankly, that stinks.

For some, maybe the divorce was a mutual agreement but there are still lots of heavy emotional issues to deal with.

Most parents, in my opinion do it right - this divorce thing. But some, like mine, totally miss the mark. Some break all the rules and in doing so break their children's hearts.

I am not a family therapist.

Nor am I a divorce lawyer.

Nor have I ever been divorced.

But I am a child of divorce. A child of divorce who, I believe, has seen the worst of human nature come out and take center stage because the adults involved have allowed it to. Well, at least one of the adults involved. But one is enough to turn things into an ugly mess.

So because of my CHILD OF DIVORCE (COD) status, and because it's my blog, I am declaring myself an expert on divorce and; therefore, I give you the do's and don'ts of divorce. These are written in no particular order and will have my personal comments added where applicable. There will be no proofreader or editor on staff to make sure it's all done correctly. But if there were it wouldn't be cheaper than Amazon.com, now would it?

-First and Foremost - and I mean business on this one - NEVER EVER EVER SAY A NEGATIVE THING ABOUT YOUR FORMER SPOUSE WITHIN EARSHOT OF YOUR CHILDREN. NEVER. JUST DON'T DO IT. DON'T EVEN HINT AT IT. DON'T USE VEILED WORDING. DON'T WHISPER. Kids will pick up on it. Kids will remember it. And they will resent you for it.

Most definitely you have some colorful words about your former spouse, and that's understandable; you must release those feelings, but save them for when you're with a close friend or a therapist. Or write them in a blog that your children don't read. Your kids will thank you one day that you thought of them in this area. And, if your former spouse is indeed the horrible person you think he/she is, your children will one day see that for themselves through adult eyes. Let them learn it on their own. Do not teach them to hate.

*My dad was not a good dad. But he never uttered a bad word about our mother within earshot of us. NEVER. NOT ONCE. That will forever be a gift to us.

-To the best of your ability, if you are NOT the custodial parent, make sure your new home has room for your children when they visit. Don't, for instance, rent a one room studio apartment when you have four children that will be spending weekends with you. Especially when everyone knows you can afford more space. Make your new home - THEIR home - a soft place they can fall into. Allow them to have a space of their own.

*My dad didn't hit the mark on this one. Maybe that was his way of hinting he didn't want us around, but the one room studio with four growing kids? Um...not a good idea.

-Related to the above, do NOT spend your days with your children napping or working on things from the office. Don't worry about making every moment with your children a big exciting party. But be with them. Be present emotionally and physically.

-Always pay child support on time, and in full.

*Dad earned an A+ on this. The support check was on time every month, even when we were in college and it was coming directly to us. In fact, as we went through his date books over the last twenty five years, as we cleaned out his belongings, the tenth of each month said "Support check." He made it a priority and never lapsed on that.

-However. Try to be generous when it comes to extras, like school supplies and clothes, Christmas shopping, prom dresses, yearbooks, sports fees - the extras that come up, especially during the teen years that cost a lot of money. These things put a strain on the custodial parent, especially one who is raising four kids alone. It doesn't matter if you pay support every month, try to help out with the out-of-the-ordinary expenses. Don't tell your kids or their other parent "I pay support; that's what it's for." Your kids are missing out when you take that attitude.

-If you are the custodial parent, do not do anything to try to keep your children from seeing their other parent. Do not hint that you will be lonely while they're gone. Do not imply that they are not loyal to you if they leave to visit their other parent. Do not act sad, angry or disappointed when they leave. And when they return from seeing their other parent, do NOT make them wish they hadn't gone by attacking their loyalty and reminding them how lonely your day was. First off, if you are the custodial parent, you should enjoy a break from the children, as much as you love them. Second, it's just mean and manipulative to play those games with your kids.

*This was a big one in my life. I stopped seeing my dad in my early teen years. One main reason was self preservation, because my life was miserable when I returned home. I won't go into detail, but trust me, you do not want your children having those memories. DON'T DO IT.

-Do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES bring your issues into an event at which your children are participating or are the guest of honor. Love your children more than you hate your former spouse, by allowing them to see you be civil to their other parent while others are watching. Allow your children to be proud of you by showing others that you can get along for their sake.

-Make sure your children see their extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, on both sides of the family. If those family members won't make the effort it is up to you to do it for your kids. You make sure the kids see YOUR family. Your kids have two family trees. Make sure they are part of each.

-Ask about your child's other parent. This may be hard, but try to do it somehow. "How is your mom doing this week?" was a question that meant a lot to me when I was young and visiting my dad. I don't exactly know why, but it brought me some comfort.

-Stay involved. When your kids reach the teen years and become busy with all sorts of activities, make an effort to come and watch them. Make an effort to know about all of their sports, dance, camps, whatever they are interested in. Make an effort to know their friends. Know their teachers and coaches. To do this, you need to live near by. I know that may not be possible, but move Heaven and Earth to do it.

-If and when you begin dating again, make sure your significant other knows your children are your priority. Make sure your children like the people you bring home to meet them. Children can sometimes read people better than adults. If they don't like somebody, think about it and try to discern why. If the person you are dating doesn't want to spend time with your kids, or won't see them as a priority, dump them. At the same time, make your children treat your special someone with respect.

-If and when you remarry, make sure your children are part of the planning and celebrations. Make them an important part of the day. Even if they aren't in the wedding, take them shopping for new clothes. Make sure they feel good about the day. Be sensitive to the mixed emotions they might feel. Watching a parent remarry, no matter how much you love the new step-parent is not an easy thing. Be sensitive to that. And the parent who is NOT remarrying? It would really be nice if you could help your children shop for a wedding gift, if they are too young to go on their own to do so. If you can't do this, find somebody who can. Be sensitive to your children's feelings during this time of big change.

-When your children have families of their own, be involved with your grand kids. When your grandchildren are born, drop everything and go see that new baby. Your child wants you to hold that baby and get to know him or her. And your grandchildren, when they are older, want to have memories of you.

-When your former spouse becomes terminally ill; put all your hard feelings aside and minister to your children. Do NOT question why they are running to his bedside to help him. Even if the ill parent was far from a good parent, your children are sick with worry and regret. And when your former spouse dies, put your children's feelings first. Treat them the way you would treat anybody who has lost a family member. Your children are heartbroken and grieving the loss of a parent and, in some cases, the loss of hope.

-Remember your children did not choose this divorce; and I know you may not have either, but it is your job to carry the baggage of it, not theirs.

Now if somebody could help me down from this soapbox....