Honestly, I do not want my blog to be "preachy" but this has been on my mind for so long and recent happenings have caused me to throw up my hands and say "That's it! I've gotta have my say...."
When Blake was in the sixth grade, I was in a conference with his teacher when she said "I need to speak to you about the fact that I have assigned Blake a new seat. I want to assure you that it is not because he was misbehaving, but because I felt the need to put him beside a boy that is...um...not well liked. Blake is the only student in the class that has shown this other boy any tolerance. Blake is kind to him."
I went home and told Blake that this meant more to me than any straight-A report card.
There are other instances, which I won't go into, where my children have been a good influence on other kids - where my children have extended a loving hand, spoken a kind word, reached out and loved.
There are instances where our home has been a safe haven for some of their friends.
I do not write this to toot my own horn about my child rearing success. I write this to point out that these things would not have happened if I home schooled my children. For if I home schooled my children, they would never have seen these others in need. They would not see the loneliness of the child who sits alone in the cafeteria or the sadness of a classmate who has endured a verbal attack; and therefore they would never have had the opportunity to reach out with a loving hand. You know. Like Jesus would.
They would not have seen these things, if I home schooled them, because they would only be seeing people just like them. They would only be exposed to people with the same family life, the same values, the same religious beliefs. And where is the opportunity for outreach? Where is the opportunity to share their faith? Where is the opportunity to OWN their faith? Where is the opportunity to put into practice what they've been learning in theory, if they are not out among other children?
Matthew 5:14ff tells us: You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither` do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven.
I want my children to shine their lights. And we have decided that they can do that by going to public school. Of course their are other reasons for our decision, but that is one of them. Just as home schoolers have decided their children will best be taught and "used" for Christ by remaining at home; we have made this decision because it is best for OUR family.
I know a few homeschooling families and I think it is a wonderful option. I respect the reasons for which they've made that decision. What I don't respect is the judgmental attitude they have toward those of us who do not home school. Again, this is based on the homeschooling families in my life. I do not respect the way they insert disparaging comments into each conversation about the evils of public school. I do not respect the way they generalize about the children in public schools as though those other children will damn their own child to hell merely by being in their presence. I do not respect the way they overlook the fact that perhaps THEIR children could be a kind and loving influence on these other students they think are so awful; or the fact that the parents themselves could be a kind and loving influence on the teachers or the parents of other students. I do not respect the fact that they talk about the love and prayer and protection they place over their children's lives, all the while insinuating that we public school parents have sent our children off without a thought to their safety and moral upbringing. I do not respect the way they talk about all these things while looking into my eyes, KNOWING I send my kids to public school. I do not respect the way they use their self righteous reasoning as a club to beat the rest of us into submission to their beliefs.
Because we have put just as much time, prayer, worry, and love into the decisions of our children's education (and every other aspect of their lives) as homeschooling parents have put into theirs.
My sister home schools. And yes, she is very vocal about her disdain for public school. The problem is that her disdain extends to me and my children. That disdain for "those public school students" is aimed at my children because they ARE public school students. At least that's how I take it every time she condemns the option of public school because when somebody is taking aim at your choices, it is hard not to be stung by the bullet. I do not even invite her to my children's graduations or other school events because she is so open about her disapproval for public school. And no, I do not say one word about her choice to home school. Because it is not my business. It is her choice. I happen to believe that we each love our children fiercely; we are each flawed human beings just doing the best we can; we just happen to have made different decisions about the paths our children will take in this phase of life.
And the other homeschooling parents in our lives have the same condemning attitude. They approach us as though they and their children are somewhat superior to our families because they are "protected" from the evils of the world. Their children are untouched by the influences of society.
Yes, my children are influenced by society. But, if we are doing our jobs correctly (and sometimes we see small indicators that we are ) then our children will in turn be a Godly influence UPON this same society, if only in our very small corner. But if one life is touched, if one child remembers the kindness of their classmate in sixth grade, isn't that enough? After all, quoting scripture is not the only way to show God's love - it is not the only way to teach God's word. LIVING the example, walking the walk, is also a wonderful way to make people stop and take notice of what is motivating our actions.
These people in our lives want to stand up and pound their chests and proclaim their righteousness; they want to stand firm about their right, their CHOICE to home school, yet they want to disparage us for making a DIFFERENT choice. They want to quote Bible verses to us about the rightness of their decision but they seem to forget the one that says: Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:1).
This parenting job is hard. It is a daily battle in our minds and hearts as we struggle to do the right thing. The worry can be exhausting. So wouldn't it be nice if we parents could be allies to each other, regardless of the choices we make concerning our children and their education? Because, really, the schooling part is just the beginning. Yes it is part of the foundation of the finished product, but there is more to come, and there is more to do WHILE we educate them because parenting is full of multi-tasking. Education is not the end; it is not THE defining point of a person's character. Our method of education is not the yardstick by which we measure values and faith. At least not in my book.
And that would be a PUBLIC SCHOOL book.
17 comments:
I am sorry you have had to deal with some homeschoolers that are like that. Yes, I am a homeschool mom but that is just works with our family and I don't necessarily thing public school is the worst thing ever. I totally believe every family has different needs and homeschooling isn't for everyone.
I did want to say though that my boys are not always with people of their faith or only homeschoolers. In fact they have friends who aren't Christian and have more friends that are public schooled than homeschooled. My boys also stick up for the underdog while on the playground or playing with a group of friends. So even though they are homeschooled they have experienced similar things. Just in a different context :).
You sounds like you and your family are really doing right by your family and you should toot your horn about your son :). I would hehe!
I think a sometimes homeschoolers have felt judged so long that they immediately take the defense when really there is no need to. So in turn they become judgmental. I hope you will meet more homeschoolers that don't have this attitude. Please know we are not always like that :)
Jody -
Thanks for your input. I know that homeschooled children - ALL CHILDREN - have many fine qualities and also let their lights shine. Again, my post is about the families that we know, but I should have been more clear that ALL children have opportunities to embrace and help others, and most likely do so.
You are right; perhaps homeschoolers have felt judged, so they immediately jump to the defense. That is a great point; unfortunately some don't make sure who the enemy is before they mount their offense.
It is another battle in the mommy wars where we judge each other for different choices when we should be embracing each other as allies.
Thanks again for dropping by.
You are right and I agree sometimes people jump to the defense before even knowing if they are jumping at an enemy. I just wanted to let you know we aren't all like that :). I so agree with you on people (homeschool or non-homeschool) shouldn't be judging. After all that is what the Good Book says. Thanks for stopping by my blog :).
MOPSC here (mother of public school children). I hate to think that there could be such narrow minded people in the world. Some of us can't afford to stay home and school our children. Some of us are not mentally wired to be ABLE to stay home with our children. I don't think that makes any parent any better or worse or more or less loving than any other parent. It makes me sad to read to about the barbs that have obviously been sent your way. I hope that whoever this person is that they read your blog and learn from it. Big hugs to you!!!
The key word in all of it is judgmental - the right church, the right school, the right camp, the right anything - My children have been to private school to public school and they all had some homeschool years in there. All have been great experiences and the right thing at the right time. It's the judgment of others in the name of Jesus that is the issue for me.
Another Day in Paradise:
Another good point. It is the judgment that gets to me. And again, I KNOW it is not all homeschoolers who are as I've described. But, yes, the judgement "in the name of Jesus," in my opinion is far from the manner of Jesus. Thanks for your input.
I think the parenting of a child is far more important than where he or she is educated.
There are many opportunities for children, young adults and grownups to be sympathetic, kind, empathetic and to do something good for someone else.
It's certainly not limited to public school. Or private school. Or homeschool.
It's a person's heart, ya know?
It sounds like your son has a very kind one.
ami-
I so agree. My comments are based on my experience with certain families in our life. I certainly know I cannot generalize. The "they" I refer to are these families that have, unfortunately, caused us to become defensive about our own choices.
Thanks for your input.
I totally get that some homeschoolers can be judgmental. It's true. Altho, I think public schoolers can be judgmental of homeschoolers, too. It's all about PEOPLE and personalities and their choices, which you have pointed out.
However, in paragraph six you said: "They would only be exposed to people with the same family life, the same values, the same religious beliefs. And where is the opportunity for outreach? Where is the opportunity to share their faith? Where is the opportunity to OWN their faith? Where is the opportunity to put into practice what they've been learning in theory, if they are not out among other children?"
I would like to respond with our experience as homeschoolers (public schooled for one year.) While we gravitate toward people with the same family life (I have to ask "who doesn't?") I would say in our homeschool group we are around people with VERY different values and religious beliefs. The kids AND adults my dd10 interacts with are of varying religions, atheists, agnostics, pagans, etc...she would NOT have been exposed to these varying beliefs in the PS offered here on the East Coast or our previous home in the midwest. Not to mention I go out of my way to expose her to different cultures, nationalities and languages. Where is the opportunity for outreach?? Seriously?? Because we volunteer constantly. Sharing our religious beliefs?? Every day. My daughter has no problem telling others about her beliefs or asking others their thoughts. And to OWN her faith?? Oh my, being a religious minority we have to stand up for our beliefs more often than not. Educate others about them. So speaking for myself these are non issues, and frankly, I find in my homeschool group everyone has similiar experiences and opportunities for outreach,volunteering, education, etc..."out among other children"? My daughter is out among other children but also adults of various ages and experiences. I feel she's very much practicing all her theories.
I realize you state your opinion from your own experience. Again, as you pointed out further, this is NOT a homeschool/public school issue, ,but rather this is about parenting, and choices. I'm sure there are homeschoolers out there who don't afford these opportunities for their children. Who don't have a chance to outreach or "own" their faith. But again, I know public schoolers who don't too.
Maria -
Yes, this post was about the homeschoolers in our life and I tried to make that clear. As I read the comments I ask myself "What is it about this area, that we are in contact with homeschoolers that seem to think so differently than the ones out there - than the vast majority?"
What's with that?
I understand how my post seemed like a gross generalization and I feared it would come across that way. But after my husband read it he said "across the board,the families WE KNOW who have made that choice are just as you described." My post was aimed at them. Unfortunately they do NOT allow their children to be around others of different values or family makeup. They certainly don't allow them to socialize with others of a different faith. One of the moms told me her son couldn't play with a certain boy because they didn't like his dad. And sadly, they encompass themselves in homeschool groups who hold the same firm and rigid beliefs. And they are so judgmental we tend to want to avoid them. Is it a regional thing?
We live in a town of 2500 people - quite a small school, but my children do have friends who are Hindu, Muslim and Jewish. They have friends who are Asian, African American and Middle Eastern. So yes, they have a very well rounded circle of friends. As I stated to another commenter, I don't think they know any vegan or vegetarian families, so on that we are lacking:)
I recognize my limited exposure to people who have simpley made a different parenting choice and wanted to enlighten myself. That is why I put the questions out there.
Thanks for your input.
"They would only be exposed to people with the same family life, the same values, the same religious beliefs."
I just wanted to comment to say that we homeschool and almost never meet people with the same family life, values, or religious beliefs. I think it's all a matter of where you live. School or not my kids aren't going to be meeting other families like us here. The flip side, however, is that in school 98% of their classmates are all going to be from the same family structures, with similar values, and nearly the same religion. One of the negatives of living in a small town. But at least at home they don't have to feel like total outcasts for not being like everyone else.
Summer-
I think our situation must be unique. As I responded to Maria, above, our kids are involved with kids of many different faiths, backgrounds and family structures within their public school experience.
One common thread I am finding with these comments is that each "side" thinks the same things about the other "side" as far as limitations and drawbacks. Perhaps the stereotypes have been unfairly assigned on both sides.
"I write this to point out that these things would not have happened if I home schooled my children."
That's true because the poor child who your child was moved next to would not have been socially ostracized to begin with. From the other child's point of view, public school has not been a successful venture, has it?
When I was a speech therapist in the public school system, I saw plenty of children whose self esteem had been destroyed due to the lack of social skills prevelent in the schools. You pointed out that your child was the only child who behaved decently towards the other student. Out of how many? You are saying that in an entire class of students, there was only one child with the social skills to behave appropriately?
While the story does your child tremendous credit, I can only see it as an affirmation of why we choose to homeschool.
My mother was a public school teacher. My aunt was a public school teacher. My husband was a public school teacher. All of them agree that homeschooling has worked for my children. I am glad that your son is having a positive experience in his public school. I think it's terrific. However, (just my opinion here) you need to view that story from the other child's point-of-view and seriously ask yourself if you were that child's parent, would you feel the same way about public schools.
activities coordinator -
Good point.
NO I never meant to say that my child was the only one that acted appropriately in the classroom. I pointed out that I was not trying to toot my own horn as a successful parent.
I have no idea why this child's parents did not go the homeschool route, as they might think public school failed them. I do wonder if this particular child was not being taught social skills that would serve him in ANY environment. I DO know that had MY child been in homeschool he would not have encountered the student who needed a little extra TLC. My point was that having sent our son out into an environment that some consider wrong allowed him to do some good for somebody.
I will use a very specific example here - please remember I KNOW I am talking about ONE homeschool family and I know I cannot generalize. I realize my post came across as a gross generalization even though I mentioned that "they" were only the people in our lives who have made this choice. And this post was generated by a recent "attack."
The children in one homeschool family we know are socially ostracized because they have never been ALLOWED to be with other kids, therefore they have not been TAUGHT how to socialize. Seriously, the parents believe ALL other children are bad influences. So when they are at our house with my kids and others they, at ages 14 and 16, still hover at their mother's shoulder, unable to venture out and be with kids. When one of them was 10, I was told "we still 'let' him win at games because he gets so disappointed."
So our kids were expected to bend to THEIR rules of what they believed would build their child's self esteem.
I just picture these boys when I hear people say that public school is the reason for some children's being ostracized, because in this case, these young people are ostracized wherever they go because they have never been taught and allowed to be with others. They are ostracized because of their parents. Some children aren't taught social skills no matter where they learn.
Maybe this poor boy in sixth grade had parents who just didn't know what to do, either way, or chose not to make the effort, either way. Not all parents put thought into their options. Please don't think that I don't worry about children like that, and even still ask my kids about them. If I hadn't looked at that experience from the other child's viewpoint, it would not made me feel so good about my child; I would have thought nothing of it. My children are encouraged daily to look out for the one who is lost, the one who is sad, the one who is sick, the one who needs extra attention. Because if other parents DON'T choose to make other choices for their kids who might benefit from being removed from public school, then it's good to teach our children to do their small part in making the day a little better for them.
I really do appreciate your input.
I just wanted to let you know that I understand your frustration with judgmental homeschoolers. We are a homeschooling family, but my kids are VERY exposed to cultural, religious, and family-style differences. There are some homeschooling families in my life that look down on me because I allow my children to interact with other children and adults outside of our faith. I have the same reaction towards them as you do. My kids, my husband and I, and our home have all been a blessing to the many public-school educated children who come in and out of our house on a daily basis. And you know what? Those kids have been a blessing to us as well. In my opinion, people who seclude themselves and their kids from people who are different from them are doing a great disservice to themselves and their families. They are denying their families the opportunities to shine their light on others, and also learn so much along the way. Variety is the spice of life! God bless!
Sarah -
Thanks for validating my frustrations. Again, it is not at ALL homeschoolers, just those who are in my face and juging me all the time. As far as influencing others, I think it's important not to worry so much about how somebody else will drag us down; but how we can possibly pull them up.
Thanks for dropping by.
I can feel your frustration! We have had a similar experience with neighbors. The difference is this - we are homeschoolers and our neighbors are public schoolers. A third neighbor family lived near us for almost one year. That family (we'll call them the Smiths) did not share our values or lifestyle. Several families in the neighborhood forbid their children from playing with the "Smith" children. My children were allowed to play with them. They were encouraged to treat them with kindness and respect. There were a few times when I had to intervene - I called them in early for dinner or spoke to the other kids myself about inappropriate language or behavior.
After they moved another mom told me that she was not allowing her children to play with mine because we had allowed them to play with the Smith children. She said that she had never had any problems with my kids, but knew that they had played with that family (who CUSSED of all things!) and that she didn't want her kids to play with mine. She said that her family had stayed in the house whenever the Smiths were around and she could see that my son was in and out of their house all the time (I don't think she really knew what she was talking about as we weren't home much during the period she sited - she was actually in her house noticing this so...).
The family that judged us is a public school family. We are a homeschool family. Parents that want to overprotect their kids choose all different ways to do it. Parents that teach their children to reach out and love others can do it whether they send the kids to school or teach them at home.
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