A LOVE LETTER....OR NOT

Paul and Blake are on their way home from New York where they have spent a few days so they could watch the Yankees play before Yankee stadium is torn down.

Yesterday morning I sent Paul this tender heartfelt email:

So. You know that little orange stop watch of yours that you keep on the dresser? The one you set to make sure you get up in the mornings? The one that was set for 4:15 A.M.?

Uh…yeah…it went off today. AT FOUR-FOURTEEN IN THE STINKING MORNING.

So if you ever want to see it again, I suggest you send DIRECT, CONCISE instructions on how to turn the alarm off.

Lucky for you the garbage has already been taken or it would have been slung in there because, yes, while you are off preparing to see the Yankees play, I did remember to get all the garbage to the curb.

You’re welcome.

If above mentioned instructions are not received in a timely manner one of many things will happen. Maybe two:

I will put the watch in the Jacuzzi with me this morning and, yes, turn on the jets.
I will slather it with peanut butter and let Cookie have it.
I will lay it in the driveway and repeatedly run over it with the van.
I will send it to your mother and tell her “I just couldn't bring myself to throw this away…”
I will throw it in the local pond, with a tiny brick tied to it so you won’t fish it out.
I will wait until you come home tomorrow night and assume you already know where to put it.

And yes, I already know you’re out of the office so I really don’t want to see that AutoReply message shot back at me……

I am SOOOO shopping for purses today.

So, love you, call me!!


Yeah, I know I'm a shrew.

But come on!!

FOUR FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING??

Let me give you a little background.

Paul is a morning person. An obnoxiously cheerful morning person. He normally gets up at 5:15 each morning (6:00 on weekends) to run. After his run and shower, he'll come back to bed and snuggle me and say "good morning honey bunny. I love you," or something equally sweet. To which I replay. "UHH! Have you started the coffee?" And I try to say that without moving my lips.

Because I am SOOO not a morning person. Even opening my mouth to talk is much too much work first thing in the mornings.

Paul is such a morning person that he often gets up before his alarm. Trouble is, he forgets to turn his alarm off before he leaves the bedroom, which leaves me in a grumpy tizzy when it does go off at 5:15 because I am trying to fumble around to shut it off while curbing my less than loving-Christian-wifely thoughts about my husband.

So, see? The alarm thing is a little bit of a pattern.

He sets two alarms on most days - one beside the bed and one for ten minutes later on the dresser so he will be sure to get up, walk to the dresser to turn it off, and then make himself stay up. Except most days he doesn't need one, let alone two.

So when this little freebie of a stop watch went off at FOUR FIFTEEN the other morning, I most certainly was NOT a happy person.

Now, let's dissect the letter.

Yes, I did need directions on how to shut the alarm function off. Because I have no experience with stop watches. Why would I? Stop watches are usually used for extreme physical activity.

Enough said.

The garbage to the curb thing is, indeed, no big deal but I couldn't think of anything else to throw in there to make me sound like a martyr. You know. "Oh, woe is me!! I'm stuck here doing filthy jobs like garbage removal while you live it up in New York City. Don't worry about me. I will muddle through."

Yes, our dog Cookie would have eaten the watch had it been covered in peanut butter. And wouldn't it have been lovely for Paul to come home and find it half expelled with the string hanging out of her hind end. It would have been something for him to take care of for sure. Welcome home dear!!

My first thought upon stumbling to the dresser was to run the watch over with the van. In fact I could have let Kayla do that. She needs the driving experience and it would have been a great mother daughter bonding time.

Sending it to his mother....Paul's mother has been known to bring me sacks of well... CRAP... because she knows it is well...crap...but, like her son, cannot throw anything away. So she loads it up and brings it to me in Wal-Mart sacks thinking I might want it and, if not, I can take the very brave step of throwing it away, which I usually do IMMEDIATELY. The fun part is that she used to deliver these sacks of crap to me at the kids' basketball games. She'd march up those bleachers and hand over the newest
Sack-O-Crap. It got to the point where I finally told Paul "If your mother brings me ONE MORE SACK OF CRAP....!" My favorite has been a sack of tennis balls she collected over a period of time on her daily walks.

Don't even ask.

Tying a brick to it so Paul would not fish it out of the pond...Paul is known for his dumpster diving, but only at home. If he sees something in the garbage that I have thrown away and he thinks we need, he will dig it out and insist we keep it. Remind me to tell you about the cookie dough and the shower gel....So I would not have been the least bit surprised to see him dive into the pond to find his little orange stop watch that might still work.

"...and assume you will know where to put it." OK. I know that is crude.

But come on!! It was FOUR FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING, so perhaps I can get a pass on that one.

The AutoReply message is one that Paul sets his email on when he travels, so people don't expect an immediate reply. Even though I know it's automatic and he eventually gets my messages I always want to tell it "But I am HIS WIFE. Don't tell me he's unreachable. Do you KNOW who you're speaking to?"

Paul had said he would bring Kayla and me some knock off purses from a street vendor; but then decided he didn't want to mess with it but encouraged us to go shopping for purses ourselves. The beeping stopwatch made the decision for me on that one; though we have not gone purse shopping yet.

And, no, I did not receive instructions on how to disarm the alarm.

So before I crawled into bed last night, I examined the watch and found a piece of tape on the back, holding in a small wad of white paper. Apparently the cover to the little battery had fallen off and gotten lost; so Paul had stuffed a little paper in there and put some Scotch tape over it. Because we certainly wouldn't want to spend $5.99 on a new stopwatch when we had somewhere gotten this neat little TicTac stopwatch for free (I'm guessing with a pack of TicTacs)
And he hadn't even used Duct Tape.

So I begrudgingly just removed the tape and paper wad and let the battery fall out.

Paul can have his beloved stop watch back for the near future.

But, boy, he better turn that thing off before he leaves the bedroom each morning.

My next reminder may not be so sweet.