YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE....

Dear Fellow Menard's Shopper -

You have seriously ruined my night. The only bright spot in my evening now is that, as I came home from Menard's and started supper, I turned on the television and found the Andy Griffith Show. Not only that but it's the pickle episode. I love that episode. Andy Griffith is saving your skin, mister.

Well, that and the fact that I don't know who you are or where you live.

But I saw you.


I saw you checking out my 14-year-old daughter.

And you have gray hair!!! Your face looked pretty young so it might be prematurely gray, but you are waaaaaaay yonder too old for such behavior. And it wasn't my imagination. I saw you look at her, stop and turn around and take another look and then smile...or rather leer.

And, no, her clothes were not inviting the attention. She was wearing shorts but they were not Daisy Dukes; and her shirt was more than modest because it's one that I bought her for her birthday. She wasn't even wearing makeup.

In my mind's eye I pictured myself doing damage to what I suspect is the favorite part of your own anatomy. Do you have children? Because when I was done with my imaginary retaliation, you certainly weren't able to procreate.

Seriously, sir, you do NOT want to go there.

This young woman has many, MANY people who are not afraid to go to battle for her. She has her own Purity Posse, her own Morals Mafia, her own Secret Service of Virtue, her own...well, you get the picture. She has LOTS of people who will be eager to kick your butt when they hear this story.

Her brother is a wrestler and is quite eager to use his skills, perhaps throwing in a few illegal moves. He does this thing called a Splaedle that looks really painful for he who is being Splaedled. His friends are also quite eager to pitch in - anything for a good rumble you know. Her god parents are both police detectives who are usually carrying a weapon. Her uncle is a former military policeman who now works with the Department of Homeland Security. Hypothetically speaking, he could make your life quite complicated. Or make you disappear. Perhaps you'd like a free trip to Gitmo? Or your next airline flight Red Lined? Hypothetically speaking of course. In fact, if I'd gotten your license plate number, your evening would have just gone straight down the toilet due to his connections. Her maternal grandmother is just plain crazy (and not in a good way) when it comes to her kids or grand kids. Oh yeah, I have many many stories about Grandma's protectiveness. Lord have mercy on your body parts, if you cross Grandma.

And her dad? Well, he's not really big in stature, and he is a very mild mannered man - rarely shows anger. But, sir? Do not even think you could have ogled his little girl in his presence. You do not want to see the depths of his temper when it comes to his children's safety - especially his little princess. I daresay he is not afraid to go to prison. Except he's smart enough to hide any evidence. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

But all of that is nothing compared to her crazy fierce pre-menopausal mother. If you think I have watched over her and made ridiculously strict rules all these years so I could sit back and do nothing when a dirty old man decides she deserves a second look, you are SADLY mistaken. If you think I follow her around like an armed guard as often as I can, only to look the other way when men like you make such a show of noticing her, you are sadly mistaken. I will lie awake tonight thinking of the many different ways men like you could be tortured. And I will awaken disappointed that all those torture scenes were merely dreams.

You, sir, have made a serious mistake. I am kicking myself for not calling you out right there in the store; but making a scene in front of my daughter was not the right thing to do. But I remember your face. And I'll be ready the next time you decide to take a second look at my daughter. As a matter of fact, don't plan on looking at any of her gorgeous friends either. Don't plan on looking at H or A or E or S or B or even the other A; because there are people looking out for these girls too.

So, sir, I just wanted to warn...I mean enlighten... you on the error of your ways and the possible consequences.

Now that you know where I stand on your perverted wandering eye, perhaps this will be the end of it.


M'kay, Romeo?

Fiercely,

Mrs. W